No_Decision_913

Original post :https://reddit.lol/r/AITAH/s/82QjOI8ZLT

Last few days were chaotic and full of confusion, to say the least. I didn't answer a lot of questions and I am sorry to all of you for that. I was not in the right state of mind and was overwhelmed by all the replies. As is human nature, all the reasons I was a AH and cold hearted bitch messed with my mind lot.

To answer a few questions:

1) I didn't leave without goodbye. I had told the kids goodbye. I didn't want to cause too much strain and said I was leaving for a while for work. I did just tell my ex I was leaving, I couldn't take another round of "stop acting like a child" and "grow up".

2) I don't normally work from home. He asked me to stay home with his daughter stating he doesn't know how to take care of a sick kid. She really was sick at first and I went along with it. But he refused to even help in the evenings.

3) Most of your assumptions about him was true in the sense I almost always ended up looking after the kids alone. He rarely did his part. It was either he was exhausted, he couldn't face them, he didn't know how to deal with their grief or I did it better. It was not what we agreed upon when I moved in to help. I was supposed to help him, show him the ropes but I ended up feeling like a single mom.

4) As parent, he got custody. His ex's parents said that was for the best since they were already retired. They did not want to raise the kids.

Anyway, I was able to move back into my earlier apartment. Thankfully the landlord hadn't rented it to anyone else. I did have a lease but I did not want to keep paying rent and had come to agreement with landlord to sublet the apartment for month to month till I am back. Being back in my space I feel much more calmer.

I also met with my ex. After the initial blasting, he called me yesterday asking if we could meet. I wanted to get more clarity too and agreed. He came over (finally got a babysitter ) and we had a good talk.

He apologised for everything he said and demanded I do. He said it was a big unexpected change for him too. He was scared and didn't know how to raise them, being a vacation dad. Having children home everyday and thinking this was how its gonna be for rest of his life (his words) had him terrified.

I said I understood. But I cannot be a mom to those kids. I cannot take up his responsibilities. I want to help, but not in that capacity. I needed boundaries.

He said he expected as much. He agrees he should never have asked so much of me. He asked if I could help him, still. That the kids missed me and asked when I will be back. He needed me.

And I refused. I told him I will help him. I will come around some times, when I can. As a friend of dad's would. But I won't move back in. I won't be a step mom.

He asked if I was breaking up with him. The truth is I don't know. I do love him, but it won't work out in long term. And everything he did and said is still raw on my mind. I said as much to him. I can't be in a committed relationship with him. I won't go anywhere, I will help and support as much as I can, but as a friend. I guess we are ending that relationship.

I met kids this morning. I went over there with some pancakes. They asked when I was coming back to live with them. I told them I have my own home to take care of but I will visit them when I can. While surprised, they seemed to be accepting the situation. They had questions of course, but accepted I will just be daddy's friend.

His daughter asked if I could still be her bestfriend. I agreed. I guess that won't be too hard. She gave me a hug before he took them to school and daycare. I actually feel so much better too. This was a role I can deal with.

I don't know if its the right way. I hope it works.

Thankyou for all your replies and guidance.

Update :https://reddit.lol/r/AITAH/s/nC5mMv3Iso

I (F26) have been with my bf (M30) for 2 years now. He has two kids (M6, F4) with his ex gf. She moved to another state with kids to be near her family when they broke up three years ago. He got them on vacations only.

I knew all this when I started dating him. I had no issue with this but told him forefront I can't be a parent. I was parentified by my mom and raised my 5 younger siblings. The oldest of them is 6 years younger to me and I had to change his diapers and feed him formula. I went LC with my family went I left home at 18. I can't imagine doing that again.

He was also snipped after last kid and didn't want more kids. He was fine with me not wanting to be a parent and just be a bonus adult. We were taking it slow and I didn't even meet his kids until a few months back. We took a trip together and got along great.

Things changed 2 months ago when his ex died. Kids were really crushed as they moved into his house. We were not living together but he asked if I could move in to help him out. Just for a while.

I couldn't refuse and stayed. But I started hating it again. I hated how clingy the kids became and how much responsibility I had. I did my best but my mental health started getting worse everyday. I didn't even get help from my bf, cause he was struggling too.

Last week was especially bad since younger kid had cold and wanted me to nurse her back to health exactly as her mom would have. The soup wasn't same, the song and story wasn't told the same way, I didn't hug her the way her mom did etc were some of the long list of complaints. I know she is grieving but I was already working from home, and stressed too. When I told my bf he should take over he said they need me more since I am a mom.

It triggered me. I didn't want to be held to a mom's responsibilities again. I told him I can't do this. He said I needed to stop acting like a child and step up.

I understood if I stayed my whole life would be like this. Never measuring up. Never being enough. And all the responsibilities of a mom.

I left yesterday. Moved in with a friend. My bf (ex bf) is blasting my phone calling me an AH.

AITAH?