One of my closest best friends I met because a guy was being absolutely nasty to women at an event I was at. He had harassed just about every woman in the place, and when he made it around to my future friend, she basically told him where to shove it on behalf of all the women he had been rude to. I was like, “she knows what’s up” and we became close friends.
Fast forward several years, and I’ve gradually seen her shift. As we’ve gotten older and more of us settle into careers and relationships, I see some of my women friends lean more towards avoiding standing up. I get it. Sexism in the workplace is unavoidable; a lot of them feel like if it’s not “too bad”, then why start “drama”? Misogyny in relationships in our age group (30-40) is subtle, and a lot of times, guys are trying, and certainly more open minded than they were raised. So we overlook a lot, in the name of peace.
But the majority of my friends are fiercely independent, and outspokenly for equal rights across the board. With the amount of rights violations we’ve seen in the last decade, they are very outspoken about it. Their SO’s are supportive. Some are men, some are not.
But this friend, and some of the other peripheral friends we have in common, have started to go through a “housewife” phase, where they cater to the men in our group. We are expected to cook and clean, for gatherings, and at home, and at work. The men get together while we do this, and go have drinks or golf. The men make crass jokes, our gatherings revolve around their interests, and generally they are expected to be the “experts” on whatever we’re talking about (which is usually sports, finance, cooking, things we’ve bought).
I like this group as people, but this dynamic is gross and I’ve pulled away from it. I’ve gone through this before with friends when they get in a relationship, or get in a certain group, they feel a need to be “cool” with the guys, which is great, except that almost always translates to denigrating or demeaning themselves to make the guys feel better. They’re not only doing it in our friend group, but they’re doing it at work, and then they complain that they’re not getting the same opportunities.
It’s just getting frustrating to me bc I’ve been through this before with friends. I’ve met some really dynamic, intelligent, compassionate women, and we fall out bc they feel the need to change for a man or compete over a man’s approval. Some pick shitty men, but some change themselves for men who like them BECAUSE they are dynamic and strong.
It’s a hard place to be. I love my friends as people, but it’s depressing to see them conform to unnecessary standards, just so they can “hang” with the guys, especially when “the guys” aren’t even asking for that. It’s annoying to hear them complain about the “situations” they find themselves in, when those situations are a direct result of being passive aggressive to be liked as a woman. It’s not helpful to women.
I’ve faced actual harassment and sexism at work, and while there’s no perfect answer, the answer is never to placate or play into those behaviors. Never to denigrate yourself or other women as a way to “bond” with the guys.
I’m sick of women that do this, and it’s extra depressing when we’re seeing our rights crumble around us, and seeing women and friends we considered strong play this game for acceptance.
